It's been 22 days since I've posted here. I think I'm falling away from journaling here. Too much to do and so little time for this.

Barely anyone reads and if anyone really cared about my life they've already found me other ways. I'm not saying this is the end of this journal. I'm just saying if you want to continue to talk with me myspace, aim or phone texting is a better way to go.

And if you need links to any of that comment. :]

-Ash

I'm in a rut. I know I am and I'm pretty sure I know why, but the reasons just so stupid I refuse to say anything about it.

I just know I should be happier. I have a job, house, car. Am going to school successfully, I get a new phone tomorrow as well as my scholarship money.

Material things just don't make me as happy as other stuff I guess.

I feel really bad about it because I'm so lackluster and unhappy and try as I might I think it shows. And then Matt gets all worried even though it's not his fault. Blargh. With some time I'm sure it'll get better. I'll become jaded and forget why I felt this way.

It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I'm just typing away here so maybe I won't lay in the dark for hours wondering why I'm so kdjfhkjdhdjfkgh

Doesn't matter. Life is good. I'm sure my next entry will be full of happy.

Today my mother gets remarried.

Never in all my life did I think she would. Life is funny like that.

-Ash

Tropical storm Fay went through Orlando and into the Atlantic, made a U-turn and came back through Florida.

If you haven't seen it on the news the east coast got record amounts of water. Cars underwater and residents were taking boats to get to their homes. And just think, it wasn't even a hurricane!

The only rain we've gotten was this morning and it didn't last very long. Its been overcast and very windy though. I wish we had gotten more rain so I could have gotten some days off work :]

New puppy Mannek is doing good. Bauer is buddy buddy with him now. It's so cute.

I start classes on Tuesday. I'll have classes Tues/Thurs and then work the other 5 days. Hurray for no days off! I won't lie, I'm dreading it. Mostly the 45min commute up there.

I'm looking at getting a new car. Mainly because the commuting might slowly kill the mustang. That and my driving, haha. It wouldn't be till my scholarship money in January. I've already spent most of the money I'll be getting in a couple weeks. It's going towards bills so I won't have anything to pay till at least February.


I've been in kind of a rut having finished most of the house work. I think getting back into reading/writing/painting will help. If I can find the time that is. I'm constantly working, cleaning, dog maintaining. I resist the urge to complain because after all I did sign up for this.

Matts made it a lot easier. It surprises me how well we get along. Even with me being really demoralized and stressed recently we haven't fought or anything. I just sort of expected us to because we are very much in each other's space now.

It's nice though. I don't think I could balance these bills and try to drive to Tampa if he didn't believe I could do it.

Oye. Dreading classes. Bring on the hurricanes, I'd like some class cancellations!

-Ash

In the craziness that was yesterday I forgot to tell you guys we also got a new dog! We've been searching since we've moved in for a companion for Bauer to run around with. Well this dog rescue got back to us on this cute Rottweiler mix puppy and we went to adopt him yesterday.

( Look! )

His name is Mannek (any Wicked fans recognize the name?). Right now Bauer is being very territorial, but I figure after a couple of days hes going to get used to him.

The housewarming party went over great yesterday. We got cookware, a blender and a patio set for the house and now we have tons of leftover soda/chips/hotdogs. We're completely out of money but we have all the stuff we could need for now.

Aka, we are prepared if that Hurricane Fay comes rolling through here on Wednesday.
For you guys that don't live in Florida/don't know what I'm taking about:
http://www.baynews9.com/images/wx/lg_HURRICANE1.JPG

We live on the west coast of Florida just before the white bar for Wednesday AM

It should be interesting. If I'm lucky maybe I won't be working at 7:30 that day :]

-Ash

It's (mostly) done! There's just the kitchen to fix up, and you know all the little things as well.

But I bring you pictures!

( Looooook )

-Ash

I trust in karma and that whatever happens is done for a reason.

I do, I do, I do.

-Ash

I woke up this morning in my house. Happy August to meeeeeeeeeeee!

There's still tons to do before you all get pictures. The bathroom and kitchen still have a wallpaper boarder that has to be scraped off before painting. The counters and dishwasher need to be installed. The bathroom shower is broken and needs fixin. Three closets are still full of Rays junk and their doors need to installed. The backyard needs help and there's still a pile of Rays stuff in our living room.

BUT we had dinner here last night, watched a movie and Matt's dog Bauer is all moved in.

I bought all new silverware, dishes and paper products. One day after payday and that paycheck is gooooone. It was a tiny one though.

Between work and housework I feel like I'm constantly rushing around. I'll be glad when I can slack off again, haha.

-Ash

Let me just say this, in general I am a very lucky person. Extremely some would say. I blame it on my lucky necklace.

But even when unfortunate or bad things happen to me it's immediately combated by very good luck or some good reason for it happening. I'm a karma person. I do good things and I believe the universe takes care of me in return.

Recently I've been having spots of bad luck. Particularly multiple injuries to the feet. I'm at the point where I dread walking it hurts so bad. I did get $150 from my grandfather yesterday, so that could have been my luck compensation.

But I dunno. I just got stung by a nasty bee on the bottom of my foot.

I also can tell when something good is about to happen to me. I tend to "suck the luck" out of people around me. I know you're going to laugh but you can ask my family or Matt. Right after something unfortunate happens to them I have something happen in my favor.

It's weird. But I'm not complaining by any means. It's like a reward from the universe for doing good deeds. Just thought I'd write up a little entry on it.

I'll let you know what good luck this week holds. :]

-Ash

My life has been consumed by fixing up the new house. Half of it is cleared out, about half the walls are painted and I just finished most of the trim. I'm so covered in paint it's ridiculous!

Thankfully the house is coming along nicely. It probably won't be nearly close to finished by move in time next week, but hopefully the painting will get done.

Considering the budget we have to fix up the house is $0, I think we're doing splendidly. We got awesome blinds for $25/each, found wooden sliding doors to replace the rusting old ones, Matt's gma bought all the paint and provided curtains.

Plus between the two of us we manage to have enough decorative things that the house won't look too empty.

I just can't wait for it all to be done.

-Ash

I would just like to say Avatar is my favorite cartoon of all time. Utterly amazing and I am going to marry the creators and have their babies.

Also my new house move in date is August 1st. I am so psyched! There will be pictures when it's painted and amazing.

And I found $300 of my money I had stashed away today. I'm out of debt guys!

Gleee

-Ash

Matt has a job interview on Monday! Fingers crossed.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. But I'm a very optimistic person and that house could be so close to being attainable :]

In other news, it apparently doesn't matter the size of the paycheck. They disappear all the same. Plus I now have a med bill and another $60 I owe on insurance. Boo hiss I need a raise. Haha.

-Ash

I'm going to try and make this as nice as possible. I don't like to take a shot at someone, but not saying anything is just making me much more upset by the day.

I find it completely unfair that I have to give up the majority of my male friends when they get a girlfriend. How do you guys even rationalize that to yourself? Well my girlfriend doesn't trust me and is horrendously insecure, so I should feed into that and never see any of my female friends.

You say she trusts you? Really?

Then why can't I see you? What is she getting upset with?

It's not like I'm stealing her time. If she's at work or busy with something else, what's the big deal? Is it because I have a VAGINA? That can only mean I'm going to try and hit on you and that hanging out with me can only lead to the destroying of your relationship.

And no, I don't really like hanging out with you and your girlfriend. On occasion, okay. But are you aware you act completely different around her? You won't joke around with me or even get within fifty feet because she might be judging you. I'm not out to wreck any relationships. I'm a little bit more mature than the teeny-boppers and their drama.

I don't actually want a boyfriend. I'm satisfied with Matt and I like my guy friends. I have few of them as it is and it hurts when some other woman moves in and insists you not spend time with me. Even if I liked her before it makes me instantly begin to resent her.

I can't respect a woman who doesn't trust her boyfriend and doesn't trust me to act like a mature adult.

Seriously. I am not a woman to be jealous of. I have no exceptional physical feature, and if you're jealous of my mind then maybe you should take some time to enrich yours so you don't have to feel that way.

I don't intend this to sound very mean. I just want it to be paid attention to.
You all know when you do this it's unfair. And yet you let it happen.
Your girlfriend loves you enough, I'm sure, that she can deal with her issues if you insisted.

-Ash

Mum thankfully bailed on the marriage idea. She ended up going to the emergency room again cause she was having pains and some lady there told her about Medicaid cause they now have a huge hospital bill.

So Rays moving into this house and they're gonna fix mums problems and eveeeentualllllyyy get married. And me and Matt are moving into his house.

We went and looked at it last night, it's so awesome you have no idea! As soon as he has a job to cover his side of the rent we're in :] I can't wait!

-Ash

Alright, so here's a real update.

I've been driving my car. Successfully. I have conquered and stick shift! I love it :]
I'm finally out of debt and my paycheck on Thursday will be my first YAYSPENDING money.

My mother is marrying her boyfriend of one month on Monday. She pushed it back so my sister could come with to the court house since she was on a trip. Mum has something wrong with her and she keeps having to go to the hospital and they're running all these tests...

Anyway. She can't afford it and the boyfriend has amazing health insurance so they're gonna marry and his will pay for her.
I know it doesn't sound like a very smart plan (she wont even get a prenuptial like I asked) but whatever. He's a super nice guy and hes been our neighbor for 15somethin years. I just hope this all ends well.

That's about it for now. I'm going to go pass out, I'm so tired from work.

-Ash

Tomorrow my mother is getting married.
No I'm not kidding.
For real.

And yes I am as shocked as you even though its for a good(ish) reason.

I'll write the details later.

-Ash

Do you know what living is?

It's fucking up. Majorly. Minorly. Being spontaneous. Making downright wrong choices. Doing it for the thrill. Speeding and cheating and taking that which you don't really own. It's white lies and Cheshire-cat smiles. Where you laugh so hard you can't breathe and enjoying the company of the breathless one beside you. You waste money and brain cells and lung capacities. Enjoying sex and love and lust in any combination and any order. Don't judge and don't hate and don't misunderstand. It's jumping in freezing cold water and feeling your heart rattled by the volume of the music. Driving countless miles and gallons for stupid reasons and cheap laughs.

It's words you say that have all the meaning and jokes that have none. Scary movies with windchimes and the faint smell of tobacco in a dark car. All the reasons for locked doors and the cover of night. The sounds of a 3am phone call and piles of mistakes you just keep making. Trust and danger and a fast car without enough gas. It's shared boredom, obscene gestures. Memories, photographs, ticket stubs. Doing all the bad things you shouldn't do and all the good you find in yourself.


I believe in these things. Living. Life.
Disagree with my morals if you like.

-Ash

Tomorrow I plan on taking my car out on the road. During the day. And hopefully driving without panicking/crying/failing. Wish me luck!

I'm just really irritated its taking me so long to learn cause I'm afraid to just do it.

And thursday when I get my paycheck I should be out of debt! Finally!
Oh, and I also got my statement for how much scholarship money I be gettin in August. Holy motherload. Poorness+smartness= rolling in the cash.
I plan to pay off my car insurance, set a good lump aside for eventual car problems or other bills. I'm responsible :]


Other than that summer is gooooooood.

-Ash

As it turns out, I'm pretty bad at this driving thing.